A truckload full of things weighing me down. Thought it would help to break it all down somewhere. This is weird - like silent wailing, grovelling in dirt somewhere inside where no one can see you. What's the point then? Well. It's pretty much what has been happening all the time anyway, just that this is a more physical form that what happens in bed all the time. Who is there to talk to about things like these? And what can I expect - advice? solutions? comfort? Nay, none of these happen, or work. Just one of those little dark sparks that ignite somewhere deep inside, and when a distraction comes along, it fades - just like this entry, this blog, eventually will. Just one more of those lost little pieces of information floating around, unless something happens to blogger. Now to be morbid - it'll just be another piece of a sad example of human's fragility, doomed to linger around and yet not be read long after I'm gone.

1) USA trip. Something not very nice happened this morning, I was stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea. Mimi was around, and on impulse, I actually messaged him about it. Well, as I said, what can I expect? I'm not going to impose my problems on third parties, even though I know they mean well but honestly I do understand there's so very little they can really do for me. After this morning's episode I started having awfully severe doubts about everything. Not to mention that I finally took affirmative action, and of course someone'll have to lose out in this case.

I'd rather it be me, I'd really gladly rather that person who loses out be me, but it isn't possible in this case.

And I guess I learnt a very important new thing out of all this - no, it isn't some phoney physical dumbass Aesop's moral like "I should have done this or that". It is so much more, an insight into part of the intricate web of relationships, and all of a sudden I do see a little good that came out of the episode. Sometimes - just sometimes - in a struggle between making a decision out of 2 possible courses, the more assertive party may get its way, but eventually, deeper down, something so much deeper would be forged between you and the other party. OK, I'm rambling, but I guess this entry has done what it could possibly do - just get things a little clearer for me.

2) Just work - what else can I whine about? Just plain poor attitude on my part, and it's not procrastination. It's just something else that's really bothering me, but I can't lay my finger on it.

This can't go on. Yes, yes - much more street-wise to just trudge along and be goal-oriented, instead of thinking too much. I'll probably be crawling, but at least I'll still be going on. For how long, I really don't know, but we'll just make that good while it lasts.

Looking forward to lindy tomorrow night, at least it's a bit of exercise (assuages the guilt, really, and the euphoria that comes after really does wonders). It's awfully tough to take charge of things, but I'm ever so glad I've got my new committee to lean back on. They really are a group of lovely people, and gosh am I so thankful for them.

Suddenly thinking about gardening again, about waking up at 7am on Sundays and spending time in the garden, just me and the little boy, without prying eyes from neighbours (ok, they don't wake at 7 anyway). It's the sort of serenity that's so out of this world, a little peace in the heart of the city. Yes. Maybe tonight, it'll be coffee, katzung and me again.

Just gotta find those darned mosquito coils.

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