The Phone Call

Yanxian gave me a pretty bad scolding this afternoon, for skipping the afternoon session. That and one other thing, the latter of which I thought was uncalled for. She did have a point about the skipping school though.

About the lessons. The feeling - just down, just don't want to be close to people, just don't feel like it anyhow. It's hard to describe why, but I did not skip it to go out and play or whatever - I just could NOT bring myself to go. It's something hard to describe. It's like I need some time alone, things that are so small and subtle tend to become overwhelming. I was sitting in the garden and thinking: why not just be totally stoned, immune, no EQ and stop taking note of small things and thinking about them. I'm just taking bitter bits of cud and chewing on them, that's why, and they magnify and explode into something I can't handle. And great, now I'm totally depressed I think. Psychiatric case. Mode of self-destruction is on - bad beverages, bad food habits, bad music. It's just so difficult to make someone who doesn't have similar problems understand. Maybe it's the lack of friends in school - if I had someone chummy or important, skipping school is definitely out of the question. My old groupmates are really an unbelievably fine bunch, and they are really good people to hang out with, but it's just the absence of that little something, that little spark. It's just like the part in The Chronicles of Narnia - Voyage of the Dawn Treader. Lucy was on the ship that was sailing in a narrow strip of very fast current when she caught sight of this untidy mer-girl who was sheparding outside the current. In that one moment they caught sight of each other just before the ship went right past and the mer-girl dropped right out of sight, but in that one instant they had somehow become friends, and if they ever met again in that world or another, they'd run towards each other with outstretched hands.

It's just like that. That little spark of something that's missing.

Furthermore, it's not really helped by the fact that I can't help noticing the other half of my group just don't work the same. We (the group) are so different; we (me and them) are so different too.

There's so much to say, but most of it cannot be materialised or articulated. Maybe I'm just sick in the head, that's all. Maybe.

And about that other subject matter - it may be linked to my social withdrawal in a way actually. Still, it's something so personal. No one should dictate my behavior, least of all in this aspect.

One last thing that made what little of the day I had more bearable. I realised early this morn (2am) that I may have misunderstood one of my groupmates. It was actually this that made me shut down the main blog. The groupmate appeared probish and insensitive, but now I realise, with evidence, that the groupmate was just that - blunt and to-the-point, and didn't really mean to be judgemental. In fact, I'd say that the groupmate may, just *may*, have been quite the contrary. I just don't know.

I'm not sure of what I'm doing anymore. The incidence of the call cum lecture was shaking - it just shows how little people actually see. Just the tip of the iceburg. And for someone who knows me so well to think I'm behaving like this out of a whim, is even more alarming - the implication? What others - people who know me so much less - see and think.

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time. It's like seeing an autistic child superficially, isn't it. As the odd, glazed-looking child who's retracted, aggressive at times and poor at areas of speech, and totally neglecting to see the whole process underneath. WHY they are retracted, WHY they are aggressive, WHY they are poor at language and yet may be some of the best talents in other areas.

You know, it's odd to analyse our own behaviors. It's fun, challenging and insightful to layer out interesting people, but it just seems so wrong to do it to myself. For one, it feels just like talking and reasoning to myself - aka, madness. When I jolly well know I'm as sane as anyone's newborn child. And, it's weird also because that's just not the way it works. We'd all be better off, and so much happier I think, just taking things at surface value. Don't think too much - if they all go left, you follow too. The less you wonder the better, since no one will see you wandering the the right and think you're doing that just because (insert any phoney reason).

I'm still trying to figure this all out. I can force myself to stick with what is expected of me by others, but the eventuality is - there is no decision as important as those made by my own free will.

I know - will it be better just to erase the word "depression" from my mental dictionary? When things go wrong then, it's never due to an intrinsic cause . It'll be a "bad day", caused by others, and then I spend my day being expressively accusative of all else but myself. Then something else crops up and I get happy, but I don't think of the reason why. Just black and white, that's good.

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