Was reading through the blogs of some doctors (one of whom we have reason to believe is one of my current tutors), and it struck me how very different medical students and doctors sound on blogs. And I'm not talking about a blog on daily jobs - that would obviously be different. It's more of the tone, the thoughts and the content. For some reason this has ameliorated somewhat my feelings of insecurity; feelings of, "why am I so different?" whenever I read certain medical students' blogs. Of course, it would be unfair to generalise. Those blogs I mention come from the same gang of people - different, yet like enough. These are some of the stark contrasts:

Medical student #1
Doctor #1

The language, for one. Singlish galore, anyone? There's also this element of fun-ness in the former series of blogs (via the links on the respective pages) that somehow irks me. Not that it's wrong to have fun - definitely not; on the contrary, loss of this pristine fun-loving characteristic would be quite a shame. It's just that I find it really too extreme .. or heck, it's probably a case of birds of a feather. "I'm not like that, so I don't like people who are like that." Which is, incidentally, also quite apparent in the post-graduate hospital setting. You generally see 2 groups of doctors - the weird (to me) fun-loving ones, and the more serious ones. I'm using the word "fun" not in the real sense - it's just the closest descriptive term I could find in the meantime. "Frivolous" would be too much - perhaps, that characteristic I'm talking about lies somewhere between "fun" and "frivolous", as I've met a few excellent doctors who are "fun" on the surface and yet not frivolous at all. And also some HOs - 2 of them can be grim, busy and attending to the same things, but somehow there's this aura of "fun" around one of them, and not the other. Once again, thoughts are so difficult to materialise in words. It's just that feeling.

Had quite a conversation with EW today regarding the group dynamics trend, so it's not just me. I guess it's just like that - you can never mix around with certain people. Friendly enough, yes - and acquaintances, yes - but never at a deeper level. Definitely not people I'd pour my heart out to .. in fact, not even saying, "I'm stressed", which to me already is an indulgence in trust. I can tick off less than both my hands the number of people I've actually said, "I'm stressed" to, including my groupmates, and that's saying something. Should be more trusting? Wear my heart on my sleeve?

In retrospect, I can quite understand why yx more than once admitted that she's sometimes discombobulated and scared - sometimes she feels that she does not know me. We all have this little black box in our heads, don't we? The innermost part where no one - not a single soul - gets to? OK, maybe just Brownie - the silent witness and listener. I for one think it creepy when people know so much about you, they can actually know what's going on in your head. Which, unfortunately, is the situation with some people I've come across. You can almost predict and see in your head what they're doing right now, what they are thinking about when they watch a show, what they will be doing later.

Right .. this entry doesn't really flow, it's more like a chain-reaction when I start musing about the most ridiculous things on earth. Which is why a blog sometimes serves a function (as does a diary or anything you write down - big problems always look so much more manageable once you break them down) - that is, to organise some random snippets of thoughts that flutter by in the head throughout the course of my day.

I know someday, someone - friend, acquaintance or stranger - will find this blog, somehow. A google search perhaps, or a freak accident. I'm not worried though, even though this would be almost (99%) the exact same kind of entry I'd put into a personal diary. What's not here is that one little black box, the part that no one else can find but me.

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