Cold Water

Cold, cold water surrounds me now
And all I've got is your hand"

Lyrics from Damien Rice, "Cold Water". A beautiful piece, my 2nd favourite after "The Blower's Daughter".

It's very good music for what I'm feeling now. Imagine myself sitting in a solitary wood-backed chair in a small cold-stone room in pitch darkness for a full day. Clouds stream overhead but I don't see them; sounds from the outside world don't reach me; and then I lose all track of time.

Think I'm back into one of those moods. Every single aspect of life's wrong, somehow. They aren't explicitly going awry - it's just that unsettling feeling. Things not done properly, not started off right, not ended correctly.

Yep, that's what I need. Just to be left alone. Which was why I went to school so late today - was hoping everyone would've left, so I won't have to involve myself in foolish social conversations. Why converse when there's really just no call for it? It was great at first, nice friendly people were left. Until suddenly a bunch of other people popped up, and I decided that was enough. I did rather brave the rain, instead of staying to mingle with people I don't quite like to meet.

Perhaps it's some sort of disorder setting in. Bipolar disorder, most likely. Yeah, maybe I'll go indulge someday. Cheering myself up somewhat by thinking of a lavender day. Lavender oils in the room, stuffing sprigs of dried lavender in my pillow, having a hot lavender soak. Then doing something nice like cooking dinner for everyone (actually I'll only get upset later on. I know my dad doesn't touch food I cook).

Have a tonne of things listed down that I'd like to get down to doing someday. Shall list them down here - have too many bits of paper in my room, it'll definitely get lost in this paper jungle. In no particular order, but grouped according to nature.

1. Cook Aaron's recipe for mussel, celery, leek and saffron cream soup
2. Attempt eskimo's cod - procrastinated on this one for ages.
3. Make stuffed peppers again

4. Fertilise garden. A couple of plants are showing signs of nitrogen deficiency.
5. Re-pot geranium plant
6. Trim and re-pot Sarracenia plants
7. Bring pot of vine seedlings to the balcony
8. Wire up and train the balloon vine on balcony
9. Give all my plants a feast of mealworms

10. Add calcium and carbonate to fish tank
11. Supplement activated carbon in fish tank
12. Change out old metal halide bulbs
13. 25% water change
14. Buy fish food

15. Work out a skating plan I can stick to. Tentatively every Saturday, but oh! The loneliness! And I blade around the park, looking at couples or groups of friends or families, and skate past the pubs and bistros and die of longing.
16. Rotate skate wheels

17. Write a composition and really finish it. Have tonnes of paper bits floating around in my music cabinet with 4-line musics written at a whim.
18. Play a bit of guzheng.

19. Start on organisation of a prospective social dance event. Not easy at all starting from scratch.
20. Order dance videos for mom
21. Work on my latin dances .. gotta do some merengue and salsa
22. Start training with performers
23. Compile music library for social dances
24. Update the website - been almost an eon since I last touched it

25. Install Microsoft Office
26. Install Nokia phone photo software and transfer the photos
27. Send my digital photos for developing

I don't really quite want to think about work-related stuff right now, but what's got to be done has got to be done, so ..
28. Start revising general medicine examination techniques
29. Start reading Kumar & Clark again
30. Brush up on ECGs
31. Objective-oriented studying for emergency medicine

Quite a long list, I think. Sat in the garden and mused about all these just now, and ... right. I don't really want to continue thinking along these lines right now, I'll just end up going to bed a very depressed person.

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