Sitting alone in front of the computer; Brownie sits beside me like a thick brown fuzzy carpet and snores. 'Tis Thursday night .. tomorrow will be Fri, when I start at 7am and end at goodness-knows-when. If anything, there's the long May Day (I wonder why the local media spells it as Mayday ....) weekend to look forward to. I'm not sure. It probably will be spent in front of the computer reading through countless papers and doing up a cohesive powerpoint presentation, so I guess there's no so much to look forward to.

It's almost the middle of my surgical electives. 2 more weeks ... then the dreaded medicine. What can I do about it? Try as I may, smile as I want to, trying to force a little sunshine into daily life, everything seems a blur. I hardly know what I'm doing for this elective posting, and honestly I hate it to the core. I can only pray that I get sent to a good place for med, and a good, responsible tutor. Nonetheless, I'm quite prepared for the ever-certain questions of, "Oh? What happened?". Upon which, I will tell the truth. MCQs eh? Now that is ridiculous.

No idea why, but I guess the blue mood's just setting in. I'm doing everything I can to combat it, but it somehow slips past all the webs I've lain in its way.

Was reading someone's blog just now. No particular issue here, but I just thought it interesting that the particular person (a doctor by the way) uses a third person narrative in many of his posts. He seems to blog as if he were standing separate of himself, looking at himself.

Yx asked me what I planned to do in my upcoming 2-week break. Honestly, I have no idea. Right now I have no mood for anything in the world, other than just spending time being with people in my life. Just cuddle up in bed with a good book (not forgetting the aircon) and stroking Brownie while having a quiet afternoon. Or just sitting around at the dinner table talking to my parents - I realise they now ask much less about my daily affairs, and I, on the other hand, find it so much more difficult to talk to them about things running through my head as well. What am I supposed to tell them? That I'm feeling miserable and lost? That won't do.

I've stopped doing garden work;
I've stopped doing aquarium husbandry;
I've stopped playing with my pets;
I've stopped frequenting discussion boards;
I've stopped reading up enthusiastically;
I've stopped indulging in VCD movies;
I've stopped hankering after comedy sitcoms;
I've stopped whipping up outrageous culinary concoctions (or poisons);
I've stopped going on long quiet treks through forests in Kent Ridge;
I've stopped hanging out with people outside school hours;
I've stopped skating on a very regular basis - just once a week.

In essence, I've stopped communicating with anyone else. Just me and the computer, having a silent conversation. Me, typing to this white screen, while I read the words that I myself had typed. Essentially - talking to myself, isn't it? I guess so. Everything else has come to a standstill, and I have no idea why. There's no passion, no fire, no oomph in life anymore.

If I were to ascribe a colour to this, it'd be light grey;
If I were to paint this on canvas, it'd be me standing on the brow of a wooden boat with the grey-green sea lapping against its sides, slowly seeing the shoreline disappear forever in the distance;
If I were to put this to music, it'd be what you are hearing right now. Just - cold water.

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